3 Sitting Ducks

Okay so most of the time, get news isn’t the greatest. Sometimes it can be. Well this is a little bit of both. I told my partner about my hsv but he would rather us stick together and work through this together. He’s wonderful! We went to the clinic to get his tested. Unfortunately if you have no symptoms theres no way to tell if you have it in a certain area. There was a 150 dollar blood test you can take but it won’t tell you where it is. (not sure if it tells you what type) He decides to get himself checked for everything else while he was at it.

A few days went by, I started to get back into the humdrum of my life. Most of my thoughts had started to turn to other problems. It wasn’t till yesterday morning he told me he got an email. it doesn’t say if anythings bad but the rule of thumb is if they don’t call or email you, you are in the green but if they email you maybe somethings gone wrong…

I couldn’t dwell on it. The first blow was enough. I thought to myself whatever it is I’d get through it. I wasn’t gonna let it take hold of my life and dangle me from the rafters as it shook everything I loved to ground below. No way! I decide who I am, what I will be and what my future holds for me.

Enough of my rant. I went through my day, running errands here and there. Immersing myself in other things. Like yes I deserve this chic two slit-high collard-cut off sleeved-black dress!

When I got the message from him. It was nothing to be worried about. I grinned so wide! I bought that dress!! It really just made my day.

It made everything I was feeling before about life just crumble away into fine dust. It’s like my card got trumped by another. I feel as though this is how life works. You think you have the winning hand but someone always does you one better. Whether it is good or bad. Just don’t forget that. You’ll win for a while but you’ll lose as well. It’s just how life is.

2 Sitting Ducks

It’s in that moment when your sitting on the couch together and atmosphere is heavy. You talk of small things, maybe about something funny to lighten the mood. However, you can’t quite stomach the words that have been swelling in the back of your mind. It needs to be said. It’s going to be said but you don’t know when.

Every breath you take in is strangled by the guilt in your throat. You don’t want to cause pain. You want to be as far away as possible from it.

Not here where you once laughed and shared your dreams. Watched a funny movie and perhaps had your first heart throbbing kiss.

It’s not where or what you wanted but the truth is better than letting a lie or guilt simmer below the surface.

He leans in and grabs you an embrace. Unexpected to say the least, its caught you off guard and tears start to swell in your eyes.

This wasn’t what you thought would happen. You both so torn from pain life has thrown at you. How is it possible for us to be so sain in this moment?

It’s coming you can feel it form on the soft air he breaths onto your neck.

‘I don’t want this to be the end.’

Whatever happens is fates turn, what we are destined to accomplish, to share, our life’s, we have to accept the cruel fate that’s been handed us. Take a step of faith and lead us forwards.

Quote

“A silent virus can spread like wild fire.”

1 Sitting Duck

I hate this feeling.

I wish it would magically disappear!

I know it won’t.

Five days ago I was given the misfortunate news of having hsv 1. Little to say I was devastated by this news. One of the first things the nurse told me was don’t go online because all the information is misleading. Honestly I don’t want to know what it says online about this virus I have. I know the cold facts. You get it by having sex. Sometimes you never know you have it. Your first outbreak is usually the worst. Sometimes you only have one outbreak or you can have a few in your life.

I wish I’d never gone to the clinic, because then I wouldn’t know. Then I think how selfish that is. I would never want to give this to someone.

Just take a moment and breath.

It’s not the end of the world.

You have plenty to live for.

I keep telling myself this everyday. Hoping that it will sink in eventually. It must be doing some good as I’m writing this blog now.

I had one main concern. Out of everything that was going through my mind. Though my watery eyes and my distraught mind. Would I be able to have kids? I’ve always wanted kids. It’s what I feel my life is about. Growing a healthy baby, and watching them grow into wonderful people. The answer is yes! I can still have kids. The only difference is my chances of having a c-section are higher.

I can live with that.

Just like how I’m living with this.

The scariest part was telling the person I was with. I did somehow pull the strength together and tell him everything I could. I didn’t want him to be in the dark.

I found this post and thought it might help someone else out there going through the same thing I am. http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/herpblr-tumblr-herpes-hsv-glitter/